How To Give Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo reassuringly as you drop pill in cat’s mouth.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Grasp cat firmly in your arms and repeat Step 1.

3. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under coffee table.

4. Follow same procedure as in Step 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of five.

5. Retrieve cat from bedroom. Throw soggy pill away.

6. Take new pill from foil wrap. Again proceed as in Step 1, except once you have cat firmly cradled in the crook of your left arm, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw, and pop pill in. Quickly. (Note: with your head down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you are doing. This is just as well.)

7. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Call spouse from garden.

8. Pull cat off drapes while avoiding flailing claws (this is a real good trick) and kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold cat’s front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open, and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Fetch bottle of scotch and down a shot to take taste of pill away. Apply bandage to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from fireplace mantel, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to repair drapes. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from underneath mantel and set aside for gluing later.

11. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat.

12. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect, and check records for date of last tetanus injection. Toss back another shot of scotch. Discard sweaty, bloodied shirt and fetch fresh one from bedroom.

13. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the street. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are man, have a good cry.

14. Take last pill from $40 foil-wrapped pack. Get large beach towel from linen closet and spread on floor. Position cat on towel near one end with head over long edge. Roll cat in towel. (Recommendation: work quickly.)

15. With cat wrapped in towel, resume position of Step 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head and tilt it to nose-up angle. Press gently with left thumb and forefinger against mouth at the jaw hinges, as if opening the petals of a snapdragon. Drop pill into cat’s open mouth and gently poke it past tongue. Close mouth and stroke cat’s throat to promote swallowing. Voila! It’s done!

*****

Addendum: How To Give Your Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in a piece of cheese.

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